


Forgive Me (I'm Trying To Find)

by lacecat (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-02
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-07 06:02:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/745118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/lacecat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes<br/>Started making his way past two in the morning<br/>He hasn't been sober for days</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgive Me (I'm Trying To Find)

**Author's Note:**

> [[Title and summary are song lyrics from "Remembering Sunday", All Time Low]]  
> Unbeta'd. Reviews welcome.

He wakes up feeling cold on the first day. 

His eyes slide open a small fraction, taking in the small hazy bits of light filtering through the window. There are dust particles in the air, a heavy reminder of the still ife in the room. 

Or what used to be life. Dean closes his eyes again, and falls asleep clutching the blanket over his body.

\----------------------------------

_His dreams are short blips of neural functions; barely tangible and yet almost obtrusive._   


_Dark hair, blue eyes. Laughter. Grabbing the back of his neck and swooping in for a kiss-_

_\----------------------------------_

On the second day, he's warmer, and Dean Winchester opens his eyes to the pale blue ceiling. Somewhere in the house, he hears movement. Sam?

A rustling noise beside him, and Dean tilts his head to the side. Castiel is lying there next to him, eyes open as well, staring up. 

Dean doesn't say a word, just moves his arm to Castiel's side, and Cas' lip quirks as he closes his eyes once more.

\----------------------------------

_Cas is sitting across from him, and his dark brow is knitted as he glares at Dean. "You almost got yourself killed." The angel- but who is Dean to put labels on anything anymore?- states._   


_Dean shrugs, and his shoulders are loose. "Calm down, Cas. You and Sammy got my back!"_

_He didn't expect to suddenly have a warm lap full of Cas, as he laughs, carefree, his neck bared as the angel sucks angry possessive red marks into the soft skin there, but those red marks make his insides feel warm, loved-_

_\---------------------------------_

Sam wakes him up again. "Dean? Dean." 

His younger brother is insistent, and Dean refuses to open his eyes. He hears heavy sighs, footsteps away from the bed, and then his brother opens the door again to leave, his footsteps fading away. 

Dean sighs, what seems to be a Winchester traits nowadays, and turns over to his stomach. He idly wonders where Cas is. 

Dean pushes his nose into the pillow, willing himself to sleep. 

\---------------------------------

The third or fourth or fifth morning (he isn't quite sure now, sleep is a light blanket that coaxes your mind underneath into a state of oblivion, a friendly death), Dean rises.

He dresses slowly, sliding on worn jeans and an equally worn tee shirt. Barefoot, he pads over to the door and opens it.

Walking down stairs, Dean enters the kitchen. Sam is sitting there, six and a half feet curled up in a chair of orange plaid and denim. He looks up suddenly, as if not expecting to see Dean there. 

"Are you feeling any better?" Sam queries, putting his book down and pushing a mug of coffee away. 

Dean shrugs, a non-committal gesture, and grabs the coffee mug to take a gulp of it. He can almost feel Sam's eyes on him, on the pale scars on his arms and neck, the heavy bags under his eyes matching the weight of his gaze. 

Sam's brow tightens from above the line of the coffee mug as Dean drinks. "Do you want something to eat?" 

Dean suddenly feels very tired, shakes his head, and goes back upstairs to sleep more. 

\-------------------------------

_There are demons, dozens of them, in the warehouse- Sam is stuck elsewhere, with Ruby's knife- and Dean truly believes he is going to die today._   


_Castiel grabs the collar of his jacket. "Leave. Now." His voice is powerful, but Dean takes his hand roughly and pulls him alongside him. "You're leaving with me, then. Either both of us stay fighting, or you boogey out of here too."_   


_Cas takes one look at the determination in his eyes, and knows that he can't zap Dean to Oz like used to. "Fine. Take this," he growls, thrusting the-_  his- _angelic blade at Dean. "You need it more."_

_Dean gives him a wink. "You want to go right or left?"_

_\-------------------------------_

_  
_He wakes up again, but this time there's a heavy band on his chest, a tight feeling in his ruined throat. Gasping and choking on air, Dean's legs are twisted in the sheets and he struggles, gurgling-

Sam bursts in the room, alerted by the painful sounds in the room, and crosses over where he can untangle Dean's legs, remove the claws at his throat-

and then it's dark. 

\------------------------------

_He knows it's over in a heartbeat._   


_Even Dean and Cas, the dream team, lose some fights._

_And the price is heavy._

_Castiel burns a path through the demons, determined, and throughout the brawl, Dean slashing at demons left and right while Castiel's palm burns out two demons for every one that Dean stabs._

_They even are victorious briefly, bodies all around them, just Dean and Cas left._

_And he didn't even see that one rogue demon._

_The hairs on the back of Dean's neck prickle, and he turns around swiftly, and he dimly hears Castiel give a shout as the demon slides a knife right through Dean's throat._

_\-----------------------------_

_  
_"Breathe, goddamnit, Dean!"- Sam is frantic now-  
  


\-----------------------------

_Dying is relatively quick, and before he sees pearly gates or whatever shit the angels have decided upon for that week, Dean comes to with Castiel cradling his head._   


_"C-Cas?" He coughs._

_The angel looks relieved, to say in the least. "It worked."_

_Dean hacks again before he is able to speak. "What are you talking about?"_

_He's dimly aware of the lack of the presence_ _that Castiel usually carries with him._

_It's inside his chest now, humming._

_"Cas? What did you do?" He croaks out, a cold pit in his stomach forming. Something is wrong._

_Cas stares into his eyes, bluer and bluer as he looks. "I couldn't heal you. I'm sorry, Dean. I couldn't let you die-" His words are cut off.  
_

_Dean jolts upright, only to catch the angel in his own arms. "Cas? Castiel!"_

_He doesn't even look scared, just studies Dean's face like he was trapped with a bomb and Dean was the open wires- a puzzle._

_And then Cas screams._

_\------------------------------_

There are voices that surround Dean's head. Sam. A warm female voice. A raspier male voice- and his chest pangs. 

Sam speaks again, his voice coming and going. "Trauma... Lost his.... well, blocked his memories-" 

and Dean loses conciousness again. 

\-------------------------------

He wakes up in the hospital, a white ceiling above him. 

There's agony on his chest, and Dean groans before there's shouting and beeping and ringing and he just wishes that he could have some damn peace and quiet-

\-------------------------------

Dean is awake a handful of times- the first of the times, he vaguely remembers Sam clutching his hand, talking to him. 

"You need to talk about it, Dean- you can't just bottle up your grief like that-"

"I'm fine, Sam. Honestly, you're as bad as Cas. Have you seen him around? He usually enjoys seeing me trapped in the hospital, that bastard-" Dean cheerfully tells him. He proceeds to close his eyes again and falls asleep to chase that clenching feeling away. 

He doesn't notice how Sam's eyes well up with tears.

\-------------------------------

_Dean kissed Castiel first._   


_They had finished a case, hunting some ghost who had been a nanny in her past life and felt she had an obligation to weed out "bad parents". Castiel had smote the ghost before she had finished shouting at Dean, who had been tied up and been listening to why the nanny had done what she had done to no end-_

_Castiel had hurried over to Dean and effortlessly snapped the ropes on his wrists. "You need to be more careful."  
Dean grumbled, and surprised even himself (and Sam, who had burst in moments before Castiel had burned the ghost out) by yanking on Castiel's tie and pulling their mouths together. _

_Castiel was rigid for only a second before gliding his tongue on Dean's lower lip, and the kiss quickly got deeper as Sam made gagging noises in the background._

_It was a good memory._

_\-------------------------------_

__  
Dean wakes up feeling cold.

He is back in the house.

His eyes slide open a small fraction, studing the blue ceiling with an unknown feeling of regret and wistfulness. 

Dean winces as the door opens, the small squeak loud for his ears. 

His brother enters the room, his movements tired but understanding.  Sam wordlessly helps him up out of his bed, and into the bathroom. 

He leaves Dean to shower, putting a towel on the toilet seat and turning on the water.

Dean disrobes, taking off his shirt as he waits for the water to warm up. 

The burn marks are still etched into his skin, each feather impression forming the two burned out wings that are carved into Dean's chest. 

Dean turns away from the mirror, avoiding- his mind is blank, and he even hums as he steps into the hot water.

After showering, Dean goes back into his room and clutches the blanket to his chin.

He idly wonders where Cas is. 

  



End file.
